


What He Has

by llcflms



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Gen, a lot of jealousy on hinami's part so not really everyone's favorite innocent baby, some people might find hinami a little ooc here so have a warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:41:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25141084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llcflms/pseuds/llcflms
Summary: Hinami watches Kaneki, Touka and Ayato who are now a family after Touka and Kaneki's wedding. She realises that all that she's ever wanted is all that Ayato has.
Relationships: Fueguchi Hinami/Kirishima Ayato, Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise & Kirishima Ayato, Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise/Kirishima Touka, Kirishima Ayato & Kirishima Touka
Comments: 2
Kudos: 40





	What He Has

**Author's Note:**

> This was for Kirishima Week 2017 Day 4 (Ayato) 
> 
> Why I wrote Ayahina in a negative-ish way for Ayato's birthday fic is beyond me.

The scent comes to her attention before anything else really does. She’s barely even awake yet. Her eyes are still closed and her body is still curled up under the scratchy piece of cloth she calls a blanket. But as she slowly rises to consciousness, the first thing she realises is, “He’s back.”

She’s up on her feet the moment she orientates herself and she heads out of her room. The scent gets stronger the more she walks and eventually, she hears noises that start to morph into words, spoken by three familiar, and well-loved, voices.

“Listen, you won’t believe what I saw down there—”

“Nevermind what you saw down there, you shitty kid. I have something to tell you.”

“Both of us, actually. But… erm… Ayato-kun, you have to promise to stay calm.”

“Huh? Stay calm?”

“I’m pregnant.”

Hinami freezes. She’s a couple of steps away from where she believes the three of them are gathered— right after the turn in front of her. She’s not sure she heard right. The final voice was clearly Touka’s but the words seemed so strange and unlike of her.

_Pregnant?_

“Hu-huh?! Pregnant? Like a baby kind of pregnant?” It seems like Ayato was in the same boat as her.

“I am!” Touka says, almost breathlessly.

“Huh? But…”

“And… we’re getting married. So Ayato-kun, we’d like your blessing—”

“WHAT THE FUCK?”

Hinami has to admit that she shares Ayato’s surprise. There had been no indication— not to her at least— about the pregnancy and the marriage and she doesn’t really know what to think about it. She’s happy they seem happy, but now, _out of all times?_

“Ayato—”

“No. NO WAY. No way in fucking hell are you marrying my sister!”

“Ayato. We’re already married.”

“Shut up, shitty Aneki. This half-ass—” Ayato pauses for a moment and they’re surrounded by a heavy silence. Hinami tiptoes closer and she presses herself against the wall before peeking out slightly. The three of them are there, in a more deserted, yet open, part of their underground hideout. Touka and Kaneki stood before Ayato, who seems really confused and exasperated from his side profile. On the other hand, the other two are holding hands, pressing against each other and clearly wishing for the best out of that conversation.

For some reason, Hinami remains where she is. There’s something holding her back from making her presence known to them. Something about their meeting seems sacred and private— even from her.

“The two of you have a baby,” Ayato finally murmurs softly.

“Yes, that’s precisely it,” Kaneki replies, “which is why I asked her to marry me. I mean, partly why. There are other reasons. We—”

“Okay, I get it,” Ayato cuts in. “So what’s with this?”

“Huh?”

“Like why’d you bring me to this weird place just to tell me this?” Ayato questions. “Could have just said it at the meeting hall just now. Would have saved a lot of walking time and all. Aneki you shouldn’t be walking around that much since you’re pregnant.”

“The rest don’t know yet,” Touka says slowly. “Nishiki knows I’m pregnant I guess and Tsukiyama seems to suspect something I believe, but we haven’t told the rest officially. They don’t know we’re married.”

“Uh-huh. For how long?”

“It’s been about a few weeks,” Kaneki admits.

“And you didn’t tell anyone?” Ayato mutters, his surprise apparent even on his face.

“I’m sure some might already know or figured it out, but,” Kaneki says, stopping for a moment, “we thought, you should be the first to know for sure. The marriage especially.”

“Why?”

Ayato isn’t the smartest person out there but Hinami reckons he should at least understand what Kaneki and Touka are up to. It’s pretty obvious.

_It’s because you guys are…_

“Since Touka-chan and I are married and you and her are siblings, it means we’re family, right?” Kaneki says. He hesitates as he speaks, all the more when Ayato’s eyes widen at the word ‘family’.

_Family. You guys are family now._

“F-family. Ah…” Ayato stammers and stops, eyes darting between the two of them. “We… we’re not… I…”

He’s forcing himself to scowl. She knows him better than he thinks she does, better than he knows himself even, maybe. She’s watched him for so long; she’s stood beside him for so long. She knows she’s the only one who managed to reach into him. He can act all he wants. He can lie and cheat everyone in the universe, but Hinami knows nothing will fool her when it comes to him.

Ayato is brimming with happiness. He’s elated, happy that his sister is finally together with the man she loves the most, relieved that the two of them, albeit tired, seem to be smiling from their hearts and proud that his sister is going to be a mother— that he is going to be an uncle.

_That their family is getting bigger._

It takes a moment for Hinami to realise it, but while Kaneki is happy that he’s finally getting a family, Touka and Ayato are happy that theirs are getting bigger, not just from the marriage but the pregnancy as well. Kaneki had found his place in their intricate web of biological relations, reserving a spot for an upcoming member as well.

Touka is his wife. She’s carrying his child. Ayato, her brother, is now Kaneki’s brother as well.

It takes another moment for her to realise something else. Ayato’s case is nothing like hers. It’s incomparable to her younger self running up to Touka and Kaneki and calling them her siblings. They were _like_ big siblings to her, but for Ayato, they _are_ big siblings. There’s a solidified foundation, sturdy structure and a tangible connection between him and them.

“When is the baby coming?” Ayato asks, his voice soft, unsure and shaky.

Touka smiles a smile more radiant than she has ever smiled in a while since they’ve been in the 24th ward.

“December… if he lives to it, that is,” Touka whispers, but Hinami’s sharp ears catch them anyway.

“He will,” Ayato says, a little too confident in Hinami’s opinion. “His parents are very strong anyway so I’m sure he is as well.”

Hinami considers for a moment and she ends up doubting his words. She’s heard stories of ghoul mothers and half-ghoul children. Touka and Kaneki’s case should be the same. There can always be exceptions but how likely will that be, especially when Touka herself looks so famished and exhausted? But looking at Ayato’s face, all she sees is resolve and belief.

She wonders, when was it she started looking at dark skies in lamentation and when was it that Ayato started becoming the one seeking silver linings. When had their roles reversed?

“Mm, that’s right,” Touka sighs in agreement. “He’s Kaneki’s child. He’s part of our family. You’re right. He will be strong.”

“Yeah,” Ayato murmurs, sniffing a little. “This I can’t believe it. It’s…”

“Unreal, isn’t it?” Kaneki adds.

“Yeah. Just some time back. You were looking after _me_ and now… Fuck, you got your own kid and all.”

“Time flies, I guess,” Touka laughs, scratching the back of her head. The other two mimics her laughter. Even then, their joy is tinged with sorrow but it’s still possible to look past that. They’re upset, but still truly happy. Families are complicated things— things that can make you happy and sad at the same time; you can find yourself looking forward to something, yet secretly wishing it’ll never come.

Hinami sees and understands their joys and sorrows, but she realises, she isn’t part of it. Just like everyone else whom Touka and Kaneki have been keeping this secret from all these while, Hinami will never, truly, be a part of their family– no matter how many times she calls them her sister and brother. Those labels mean nothing, especially without anything legit tying them together.

_My family is gone._

She recalls colder, wetter days, living in similar conditions as she sobs and cries for her mother and father. Ayato sat beside her then, lightly rubbing her back as she sobbed. He claimed to miss his parents too, but he never seemed too bothered by it at all. She could never sense the same emptiness she had in him. It was perplexing and she had accorded it to his complicated relationship with them and the fact that he believed he hated them.

But now she realised, that emptiness doesn’t exist, at least not to the depth that she feels. Because Ayato isn’t alone like she is. He has Touka, in a way she can never have the older girl. She knows she used to call out for Touka in her sleep as well, worrying that Touka would hate and forget her the longer she stayed away. Ayato had said Touka never would because she never hated him nor forgotten him even after all those years. Hinami sought refuge in those words, but now she notes it’s different as well.

Despite being apart, Ayato’s relationship with Touka hadn’t deteriorated as much as hers had, because he and her were siblings— the real deal.

Hinami blinks her eyes and she feels wetness running down her face. Turning away and pressing her back against the wall, Hinami hurriedly wipes them off. She feels an ugly storm brewing inside, reminiscent of what she feels whenever someone mentions or whenever she sees Mado Akira. But this time it’s a hundred times worse. Mado Akira is a stranger who’s fate intertwined with hers due to unfortunate circumstances. 

But Ayato is different. He’s a loyal friend, a caring superior and an understanding confidant. He’s the person who’s been there for her when she was the loneliest. He’s the light that shone on her when she was at her darkest.

But even then, she can’t help it. Hinami wants what he has.

The green-eyed demon snickers in her ears, whispering blasphemous suggestions and raising vile thoughts. _Hate him,_ it seems to say, _hate the boy who has everything you desire but dared to turn his back on it._

 _Ayato left Touka._ He had his reasons— reasons which, for some reason, she can’t seem to recall— but even then, _how could he just leave?_ She remembers Touka’s withdrawn features whenever she looking out the window, mind imprisoned between thoughts and opinions she never was privy to. She knows Ayato had to be a part of it— that he had to be Touka’s biggest worry and concern back before things really fell apart. She knows that as much as Touka loves and cares for her, Hinami will always be a spot behind him. She was never able to be him. She was never able to fill in for the void he left in her. The most she could be was a mere replacement— a pseudo-sister to fill a minuscule portion of the pain of a lost brother.

And in the worst of cases, if she ever is made to choose in some kind of life-and-death situation, Touka will rush to rescue Ayato over Hinami— that, Hinami was sure of without a doubt.

_Onii-chan too now._

Kaneki, who once spared Ayato’s life only because he’s Touka’s brother. What would Kaneki do now– now that Ayato is his wife’s brother, his kid’s uncle and his own brother-in-law?

How is it that Ayato, the one who seemed to detest Kaneki so much at one point, is the one who’s truly related to him now? How is it that Hinami, who longs for a sibling like Kaneki, is the one who’s utterly alone now? She’s not just alone, she’s the sole loner. She isn’t in the same situation as the now-married Kaneki. 

She’s the only loser without a family.

It’s all the more worse that it’s not just about the rest finding their families; it’s about them finding, and forming, one family _together_. As much as she should be happy that the three most important people to her are finding happiness, she hates that they’re finding happiness together, forming the kind of bond she has craved and long for together among themselves, _without her._

‘Hate’ is a strong word and a stronger emotion— one she never wanted to feel, but alas!

 _Do you hate this or do you hate him?_

She’s appalled that her mind is able to even come up with such a question and is even more so when she finds herself considering it. Hinami chokes, slapping her hands over her mouth. She hadn’t meant to make a sound, but try as she might, something slipped out anyway.

“Is anyone there?” she hears Touka call out. 

“I’ll go and check,” Ayato says and Hinami stiffens.

She doesn’t want to see his face. She doesn’t think she’ll be able to bear it. But even as she hears his footsteps approaching, she’s frozen. His scent gets stronger and she holds her breath to avoid smelling it; she closes her eyes to avoid seeing him. She leans forward, hugging herself— almost protectively.

That’s all she can do anyway, take care of her own, lonesome self.

“Hinami?”

Her head still snaps up at his voice and she still turns to look at him. He stares at her for a minute, eyes widening in disbelief. It’s almost akin to the face he made when they finally saw each other again in Cochlea. The only difference is, when she had wanted to simply continue staring at him back then, now, her stomach twists in pain and disgust and she wants to run away.

“Hinami, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” he asks, voice climbing in urgency at her silence. He reaches out to gently hold her by the shoulders and turn her to face him. Even though he’s speaking in a gentle tone, full of worry and concern for her, she wants to push him away. “How long have you been standing here? What’s the matter? Talk to me.”

_Talk to you? Talk to you and what?_

“Hinami, please. Tell me what’s wrong.”

 _Tell you what? How you’re the problem?_ She shakes her head. She can’t be honest with him, not now.

“Come on, Hinami. Please. You can talk to me. You can talk to me, right?"

She shudders at his hesitation but pulls away from him. Ayato’s eyes are wide in disbelief and it’s clear he’s a little hurt by her sudden coldness. This can’t possibly be the same Hinami who had bade him farewell with a smile and promise to anticipate his return. Hinami is someone who never hurts anyone to the best of her abilities, and when she does, she attempts to make up for it somehow. But this time, the hurt on his face is soothing— the green being seems to be embracing her close, lightly stroking her hair as it points out how they’re _both_ hurting and not just him. She’s disgusted by the way she’s thinking and feeling right now but she just can’t stop.

 _You can’t help it,_ the monster says.

 _I can’t help it,_ she agrees.

Is it really her fault— is she really in the wrong— if all she wants is all that he has, especially, if he doesn’t seem to appreciate it at all? Even now, he doesn’t seem to understand just how blessed he is to be having those two by his side— and one more coming up as well. Ayato doesn’t seem to realise it, even when he himself had lost his parents. But she can’t just expect him to, he doesn’t know what it feels like to lose his entire family, to feel entirely alone and to watch whatever remaining, makeshift family he desperately conjured up in an attempt to hold things together form a stronger kind of bond right before his eyes with no chance of him ever being part of it.

All she wants, is really what he has.

**Author's Note:**

> I personally would love to see Hinami be a little jealous of Ayato's relationship with Touken and the way he keeps the at a distance despite having everything that she wants so I tried to play around with that idea in here. Hinami is an insecure girl in general so I think it's not too weird for her to doubt how important she is to Touken. 
> 
> The biggest joke about this fic is that after I wrote it, the Touken wedding happened and it's SO FUNNY because in canon Ayato was the last person to find out about it and he missed the wedding and he found out about everything from Miza in an omake, like he was some kind of an afterthought. Being Ayato is suffering lmaooooo.


End file.
